


Expensive Mistakes

by sexualitycrisisat17



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Oneshot, Songfic, couldnt get it out so here it is, had this idea in my head for ages, im terrible at this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:02:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24857296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sexualitycrisisat17/pseuds/sexualitycrisisat17
Summary: A songfic that didnt leave my mind alone so i had to write it.Song: Fall Out Boy- Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Expensive Mistakes

SIMON

Simon liked music. A lot, actually. He didn’t get to listen to it much, with the Mage banning technology in Watford and him spending his summers in care homes but on the occasions when he did listen to it, with Aggie on Christmas break, with Penny when she had him over, with some of the friendlier care kids, when some of the students played piano in the music room, when Baz played his violin... he couldn’t get enough. It calmed his nerves, stopped his racing mind for a few minutes and soothed his every fiber. He let music wash over him, the melodies and the beats becoming one with your body and mind, giving you an outlet for restless emotions. Simon thought using magic must feel like that for normal mages. At least, it sounded like the way Penny described magic. Maybe if he had a pair of headphones on him at all times, he could avoid going off at every irritation. Maybe his magic would comply, too. Maybe he’d stop being a failure.

It was a sweltering afternoon in the middle of summer and Simon had nothing to do. He was lying in bed, with 4 other boys in the room, drowning in his own sweat as he overheated the bed but he didn’t have the energy nor the will to get up. So he lay there, motionless, staring up at the ceiling, making out patterns off the ruined paint. And then one of the boys started playing music and Simon couldn’t help the desperation clawing at him at the very first notes. The melody woke him from his numbness and now he was feeling everything, every single doubt and worry that he had been blocking out flooding his very being. It was too much and too quick and Simon couldn’t do anything but listen to the words.

_I was I was I was_

_Gonna say something that would solve all our problems_

_But then I got drunk and I forgot what I was talking about_

_I forgot what I was talking about_

It was all too familiar to him. Always having the words on the tip of his tongue but never being able to get them out, form a coherent sentence, express his thoughts. They were so tangled, always a mess, without an end or a beginning. Everytime he thought he could string a few words together, his magic started fizzling up, getting him drunk on smoke, blurring his edges, ripping the thoughts right out of his grasp. Baz always sneered at him, taunting him to ‘use his words’ and Simon could never get it across that he simply could not.

BAZ

He should stop listening to pop punk music. It really clashes with his whole dark, mysterious brooding vampire aesthetic, but Baz could never help his love for the ‘emo trinity’. He was having a relatively decent day, learning new pieces on the violin, reading a new book that surprisingly exceeded his expectations (not that it was anything great, he just started reading with _very low expectations_. But it was still nice, not having wasted time on something useless) and then Mordelia tried to stick a gum in his hair but ended up sticking it into hers, which was fairly amusing. So he sat on his bed crosslegged, with Fall Out Boy on. He usually liked listening to the lyrics but he had never really paid attention to this song in particular before. And maybe he shouldn’t have tried now because they hit too close to home and just like that, his good mood had vanished.

_Don’t you, don’t you, don’t you know_

_There’s nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody_

_There’s nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody but you_

_Than to be loved by everybody but you, but you_

Every summer he hoped his feelings would disappear. Every summer he prayed to every deity, he’d come to his senses and the thoughts of freckled skin and sunshine shining through bronze hair plaguing his mind would disappear over months of being apart from them, apart from him. And every summer he was robbed of hope, proved a fool. Endless torture of being in love with one person you could never have. Simon would never want him back, would never so much as look at him without disdain, would never touch him without repulse. And it knocked the breath out of Baz, time and again, left him heaving, clawing for air, for anything to save him from suffocation but the relief never came. He felt like Atlas, crushing beneath the weight of the sky, never being able to let go and never set free.

_If I can get my shit together_

_I’m gonna run away and never see any of you again_

_Never see any of you again_

That’s all he allowed himself to dream about. Running away and finding 1000 different boys that look exactly like Simon, breaking their hearts in 1000 different ways. Never again having to deal with anyone, forgetting all about his life and beginning anew. But time passed and the daydreams helped less and less as it became gradually more evident that he would never get a chance at that life. He’d die long before, at Simon’s hands. At least he’d get to confess his love then and maybe, hopefully, mess with his mind one last time, make him bluster and stammer.

SIMON

_I hope the roof flies off and I get blown out into space_

_I always make such expensive mistakes_

The lines hit him hard. How he wished one of the times he went off, he’d just blow up himself, shot right through the sky, get up there with the stars and stay there, timeless, spaceless, no Humdrum to fight, no final battles to worry about. Nothing but him and the stars and endless galaxies that made his life seem less dramatic. But he couldn’t, going off didn’t work like that. It never worked the way Simon wanted it to. An ‘expensive mistake’, indeed. It always caused so much damage he could never fix. _Mage’s domestic little nuclear bomb_ Baz called him sometimes, always going for the lowest blow. It really felt like that, like being a nuclear bomb, everyone afraid of you, knowing you could take everything they love from them by simply taking a wrong step. He, himself, was an expensive mistake of the world of mages. A fluke. a Normal with all the magic in the world. _Broken vessel_ , Mage called him once. That’s what he was.

BAZ

_Don’t you, don’t you, don’t you know_

_I hate all my friends, I miss the days when I pretended_

_I hate all my friends, I miss the days when I pretended with you_

_I miss the days when I pretended with you, with you_

Baz doesn’t hate his friends, Niall and Dev are good men. They make the summers easier, bearable. But all he ever wants is to go back to the days with Simon. Anything is fine as long as he’s with Simon. It’s a torture being with him but it’s so cold and dark when he leaves, despair in his trail, as if the world fades in colors when the Golden Boy is not blessing it with his presence and Baz is so very weak…

SIMON

_If we hadn’t done this thing, I think I’d be a medicine man_

_So I could get high on my own supply whenever I can_

_And I became such a strange shape, such a strange shape from trying to fit in_

_Yeah, I became such a strange shape, such a strange shape_

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t think about what could’ve been. What could’ve been if his parents wanted him, if they had raised him as a Normal, with Normal education. Maybe he’d be a baker. Or a boxer. Or both. Or he would just spend his days looking at stars and documenting them. Maybe even become an astronaut to finally be one with the universe. Or go to college and have a decent roommate he could make friends with instead of a bloodthirsty vampire constantly after him. Or maybe Baz would be with him in that universe. Be his Normal college roommate, trying terrible drinks with him, playing football for fun, sharing space without feeling like starting a fight. But it would never happen and he couldn’t afford thinking about something so far out of his reach, yet so tempting, so… nice. He didn’t get nice. Not while Humdrum was terrorizing the magical world and he had to fight Baz and…

That’s all his life was good for. For fighting, battles, saving the world by spilling blood. Simon realized with a crash that it wasn’t him, it wasn’t what he wanted, he never wanted to fight everything that came his way. He just wanted to _be_ , for a change. Be fascinated with magic, live his teenage years through jokes and experiments and silly mistakes, not thinking his every wrong move would cost him the whole world. And most of all, he didn’t want to fight Baz. He never did. He just wanted him to stop being such a prat and maybe smile at one of Simon’s jokes-

_I hope the roof flies off and I get blown out in the space_

Simon felt it happen before he saw it. He was suddenly being, quite literally, blown out of the roof, colors all around him, spiraling and making waves. He would’ve thought it beautiful but he didn’t have the time. For a split second he worried Humdrum had summoned him again but there was no sucking feeling around, he just felt warm and weightless. As quick as it had happened, he felt the sensation stop, felt his feet setting down on wood, heavy.

BAZ

_I know it’s just a number but you’re the 8th wonder_

Simon Snow. The Wonder Boy. How could he not love him when he was- when he was-

he was standing in his room, barefoot, mouth hanging open, looking all sorts of bewildered.

 _This is it. I’ve gone and done it, lost my mind and given in to insanity completely_ , Baz thought.

SIMON

He looked up to see Baz spring to his feet. Something tugged at his gut, looking at Baz. He was right there, looking at Simon with a perfect mix of shock and confusion and Simon had never seen him with that expression before. For once he didn’t look perfect, he actually looked kinda ridiculous. He could hear the song from before playing in the room, the melody coming to an end and despite the fact that he had no idea what happened, why he was standing in, what he could assume was, Baz’s room and WHY Baz had GARGOYLES on his bed, things had never been clearer. For once, Simon had all the answers. Even to questions he’d never thought of before.

BAZ

 _Merlin, sweet Morgana and Methusellah_ was all that Baz’s mind could come up with before it short-circuited upon seeing Simon’s grin.

**Author's Note:**

> they are ooc and lack their usual depth but i wrote this instead of doing my uni assignment and it ended up being longer than expected so i had to do something with it


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